i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
My drug dealer asked me out. What's the protocal for this?
We've been fucking since Friday.... This is the most committed non-committed relationship I've ever been in
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
he was very distressed by my statements that there could have been balls on shoulders without awareness
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
I'm to the point where I'm fantasizing about Iron Chefs going down on me.
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
That was so not worth putting pants on for.
If he's gonna send me dick pics; he should at least zoom in to make it look bigger.
He said we were going to get fucked up in the woods so here we are
he told me he had a gf and in the very next sentence asked if I wanted to have sex.
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
Randomize
