You came into my room at 3am.. drunk.. and asked to do spanish homework together. Props for being a good student.
the cop then proceeds to point out the "proud parent of a dare graduate" bumper sticker and say well i guess it's time to take that off
Whatever, its basically a crime against humanity to miss an andre power hour so she'll get what's coming to her.
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
You did a line of free coke with an obese Slovenian unlicensed cab driver in the toilets of the most questionable strip club in the country. New low man.
When you put it like that, I'm inclined to agree.
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
because of daylight savings time I lost an hour of sex with an incredibly hot guy last night. thanks a lot farmers.
He jizzed all over my ID badge. HR is gonna be pissed...
You don't come back from leaving a bag of shit on someone's counter Jill
can we drink soon
I'm not sure who this is but I'm free tomorrow night
Do you know how difficult it is to snap a good dick pic while driving?
Well... Chad blew off half of his hand last night. We were able to find most of it.
I swear I'm an adult. I say as I send my mom to go find me green lucky charms and lady gaga oreos
Randomize
