I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
did the walk of shame through a baseball field. .A little league game was going on. Proceeded to buy a hot dog at the concession stand. the looks were priceless.
And I'm PMSing. So if I'm not crying, I'm masturbating.
this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
Dude that musta been some handjob last night. The sound of her pandora bracelet kept waking me up
Also I may have a condom stuck inside me, but I won`t know til I check the couch coushions.
Nicole, you can't keep coming over at 3am wanting to build igloos.
he made a bald eagle out of coke lines
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
For future reference "bring our litter sisters on our date day" is not such a good idea
I was grossed out that all their candles smelled like vagina and then I remembered where my fingers had been.
I've had three separate encounters with cops in the last 9 hours.... In two different states
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
Do you remember vividly describing the shape and girth of my cock to that girl last night?
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
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