I'm 3 blocks south of you watching drag queens.
i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
I don't know what's more pathetic, the fact that you dated him or the fact that it took a Taylor Swift song for you to break up with him.
and after you realized your puke was bright blue, you started crying hysterically and screaming, "I DON'T WANT TO BE A SMURF!" no more uv blue for you.
I'm like a wolly mammoth down there. what do I tell him?
herpes texted me again. he says he wants my vagina.
ok we should really consider changing this guys nickname...
She's the drunk girl with the air-horn and sunflower seeds.
I can't. I think his penis is about to take out a restraining order against me.
Doing lines of coke through pieces of licorice. Because I can
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
It wasn't good. I can tell by the way he fucks me he watched too much porn
The trick will be getting hammered before we get to the first bar
Challenge accepted
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
Btw I'm playing passed out so you can get laid but obviously you need to take the offense just ask him if he wants to go to bed and leave a cigg on the counter
Randomize
