She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
Really? You have stories that rival having a threesome with the two best friends of the guy your kinda seeing? Thats impressive.
Funny thing- my attraction to each one is inversely proportional to his level of availability.
When are you comin back?
probably mid next week, depending on when i finish my remaining half gallons
He just found another high guy at wal-mart. There now friends. His friend is eating a cupcake
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
the night probably should have been over when the guy let her fill out my mechanical bull waver for me because i couldn't read
You gotta pick a side. My suggestion: side with tits.
She invited me to Bikini Yoga with her friends. Sounds promising.
Doing coke by yourself isn't as fun. Even when you're watching a James Franco movie.
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
Randomize
