"Party in the USA" was played at church youth group last night. It was like everything I enjoy hating was aligning against me.
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
He doesn't fuck you and he's married, why do you keep letting him cum all over your stomach?
In the hopes he'll just put it in one day?
Still drunk just puked in the meat cooler tried to clean it up with ham. Its not working
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
It was going well until he told me about the 7k he made in college to be in a gay porn
Lets just fuck. We'll decide if it was makeup or breakup sex after.
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
He wants to take me instead of his girlfriend to the happiest place on earth... By that He meant Vegas. My morals are just loose enough to think this is a good idea
Stop touching yourself.
Wtf!?!?!?! Did you install a camera???
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
Oh god...Did I just fuck a sugar granddaddy?!
so i put my jacket on last night that you wore last weekend, and reach inside the pockets and find them full of goldfish...
the snack that smiles back:)
Almost gave the delivery guy a 34 dollar tip. That high
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