hide the guitars, Nate just learned to play free fallin'
dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning
1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.
I cannot believe you needed a note to remind yourself to ask me about the fourteen sleeping Mexicans.
I think thanksgiving was created so we could all be thankful that we're still alive after the night before.
He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
Agreed. Everyone should experience a blackout before 3pm in their lifetime.
The lego bong didn't work. Just made us look stupid
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
Well I think won that argument, as the cops were leaving, they offered me a ride to the airport
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
He's got a big dick, a steady job and tells me I'm pretty. There is litterally nothing else I look for I a guy.
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