where are you
in your bedroom
how did you get in
your wife…
WTF
Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
Good seeing you too. Don't worry, you didn't miss out on too much last night. We went to a place where there was supposed to be a wet t-shirt contest, but it was more like two ugly girls dancing around on stage in white shirts. Everyone just wanted them to leave so the band could keep playing
the trash is collected at 5:50 on mondays. i was up puking all night and heard them
I tried to put the left over margartia in a box for you but they wouldn't let me
he drunk texted me to give me his number with the message "i gotchu pretty eyeso" i can't tell if he's complimenting me or himself.
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
He brought wine and beer. I'll put my pants on for wine and beer.
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
If I wear a tail on Halloween, how am I supposed to grind? Maybe I will just wear devil horns
if you arent using your penis to save lives, then what good is it?
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
What's with guys asking if I wanna "kick it" like I'm some fucking 19 year old
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
Can I come over?
Sorry I gave up dick for lent. Hit me up on Good Friday tho
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