i just made out with my boyfriends father...and so did jess
Holy jesus god. My teeth taste like street.
Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
'in an unhealthy relationship' should def be an fb option
I'm not sure if it was sex or spear fishing. He goes in for it like he's crash landing a rocket
Listen to my proposal.... I feed you crackers while I fuck you ever so gently.
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
Well if you don't want to be kicked out before last call don't I would suggest stop drinking whiskey and don't call the giant bouncer with the neck tattoo "princess"
I gotta give him props though, I've never been propositioned for sex via flash mob.
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM
BOOM BITCH SERVES YOU RIGHT I HOPE YOU SHIT YOURSELF PETER PAN
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
Im glad your laughing because im currently convincing my penis you didnt mean it and its all gunna be ok.
Randomize
