I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking.
that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
I think he offered to cook me dinner or cook me for dinner. Not really sure. Just smiled and nodded.
we're driving around with this really dirty (unclean and inappropriate) 60 year old ex-san quintin con named old skool d that my brother knows and hes bringing us to get weed. what is montana?
She did my hair, then ate me out. Switching teams was an awesome decision.
I know everybody has skeletons in their closet but why are all of mine so slutty?
I'm 50% okay with that amount of body contact... plus/minus 7% based on where blood may flow.
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
It makes my nipple hurt just thinking about it.
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
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