Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
I love seeing the creepers that friend request me outside of facebook. its like seeing a unicorn in the middle of campus.
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He gave me a pearl necklace on top of my Karma necklace I was wearing. I guess I deserve whats coming to me.
I know you're trying to keep the moaning to a minimum but the banging on the wall is totally giving you away
Nothing says "I forgive you for puking on me during sex" like a Facebook add the next morning...
I ate goldfish off your shoulder, I think we had bigger issues
Drunken snow shoveling. Visiting my family is starting to become a seriously risky venture.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm the man of the house if we're referring to livers.
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
Dude, where are you?
In back
of car
... whose car?
My boobs are literally freaking out because I've been wearing a bra for more than three hours....I need to go out more...
We spent 45 minutes searching the crevices of our friend's car with a pair of tweezers trying to find the acid that we dropped
Hey guys so who is Justin McGoo and why did I text him "fuck yooooouuu juuuustiiin mcgooo" at 12:06am on Thursday night?
Randomize