ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
We George Forman grilled some girls phone last night.
its like the voldemort of pregnancies, we don't talk about it
The class that normally occupies the room we use for my Monday class had to do posters as if for a Hamlet movie and they pick actors for each character and this person wrote "Robert D. Niro"
If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
Someone better explain the burnt stove marks on my bed.
Dont even bother asking why she was dancing with him on top of a door, let alone how the door ended up being used as a table.
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
Gold rum. Strong marijuana. Jabba the Hut in stilettos. Deep thigh bruise. Yes, thal all happened. Sorry dude.
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
I'm pmsing pretty hard.. .just cried 3 times while eating a Hershey bar dipped in peanut butter
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