dude, wtf is with her now? she has stuff up about how i am kicking her while she's down
wtf? who are you bitching about me to now?
im insabelyl wasted and diont know if ill yexyed tou. call me
Did I ever tell u about how my buddy fucked peter coors's daughter and made a tshirt that said I TAPPED THE ROCKIES with her picture on it?
He won't stop licking me..... im choosing your date next time.
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
He tried to finger me at Disneyland! He tried to taint the happiest place on earth!
I'm really hoping to find some quality strange ass tonight while at my court appearance.
I woke up this morning at 8 to my roommates still drunk, hanging out on the roof, and screaming at bikers. They couldn't figure out why they were into it.
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
I'm a complete klutz, especially when I get excited. I pee a lot too. I'm like a puppy except I don't pee in the floor.
No one wanted to hang out so vodka and I are hanging out
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
The hump and dump is a beautiful thing
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