I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
she said she was gay. i said prove it. she said "ok i wont fuck you"
He gave me an orgasm before we even reached 2nd base, everything he did in high school is irrelevant.
The thing i'm gunna miss the most about college is peeing while brushing my teeth in the shower without being judged. You just can't do that anywhere else
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
Do pleather leggings scream im easy on a first date?
I may or may not be setting up an encounter with a foot fetishist just because I'm curious.
The look of disappointment from my cat while I take nudes...
I'd cum everywhere if I could have chicken nuggets right now
How are you feeling this morning?
Well, I just found day old puke in my bra, so I've been better.
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
I am no longer and illegal Moonshiner. I just made thousands of gallons of incredibly High test alcohol with police watching and waiting for thare couple of jugs so that they can bring home and disinfect their houses with it. I'm fat with money at the moment.
Randomize
