just ask for directions from a guy with a penis drawn on his window
he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
My mom just used the words "ice cunt". It may be an interesting day afterall.
I went out in the middle of the night to smoke my weed.. Didn't realize my dad was sitting on the patio doing the exact same thing..
FUUUUUCK she froze all my quaters inside the ice cubes again
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
They left at like 4. I got up to help clean their house this morning and we found his pants. No ones heard from him, we're all a little scared.
Apparently I told the girl smoking was terrible for her, and then requested it in my mouth.
I suggest absurd amounts of masturbation this weekend to build up the necessary calluses
The amount of knuckle children I've had to the Farrah Abraham sex tape is disturbing and impressive
I was too drunk to remember throwing up so i probably didn't learn my lesson
You kept yelling "NO CAPES" at me for no apparent reason
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
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