omg i finished an entire carton of double double chunk chunk ice cream last night...
what? what exactly is in double double chunk chunk?
self-loathing.
I was just tapping my foot in the bathroom at Penn Station just PRAYING for anonymous sex. You know how that goes.
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
Are we responsible for the snowmen doing it doggy-style in my front yard?
whoever set the energy saving light timer in the lobby bathroom cleraly has no concept how long a work dump takes
is it possible i asked you to give me a preliminary pap smear?
They sat at the bar while we waited for a table. When the hostess came to seat us, they were shitfaced, and swordfighting wth chop sticks.
Ive only seen a dude masterbate on a train twice, once on the Jtrain and once on the Ftrain... trust me you never wanna see where the subway turns around.
I used that money i stole from the stripper last night to pay for my date tonight.
Apparently, "please don't I have to be in court tomorrow" is not a valid excuse for a girl to abstain from giving a massive hickey.
Just had empanadas for breakfast while watching Wall-e with my yesterday's one night stand mother AND grandmother.
Dude. That Grinch had his priorities right when he was worried that there might be a cash bar at that town celebration.
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
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