you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
he was wearing 3D glasses the whole time.
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
we need 14,000 post its to execute this plan
She uses my penis to point at the tv when we talk about the shows. I love her
I am getting drunk. And i'm going to paint my face and slide down the stairs like Pochahontas. Goodbye
dude throwing a golf cart off a pier is harder than it seems!
I wasn't a groupie because I didn't carry his guitar home
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
I've woke up with the same hoodie on backwards, twice this week. I think that's a record
I couldn't read the menu. I ordered the first thing I was able to read. Don't think I ate anything. Left $20 on the table.
DO NOT THROW SOUP AT YOUR SCREEN
Acid king. Jackson puked a lot. Promoter booth. Angry security. No acid. Probably a good thing.
Definitely didn't just make out with a guy the same height as me just because we wanted to see what it would be like to not have to reach up....
one week and then i'm back on the sexual grind. a party is being planned in my vagina's honor
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