OKAY SO WHENEVER I SEE AN UGLY COUPLE I ALWAYS WONDER WHAT THEY SAY TO EACH OTHER IN BED. creepy?
the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
the the hell do you 'accidentaily" jizz on a shirt thats folded in a drawer?
I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
I'm sorry about your car but on a brighter note I did wake up in my dorm. That's something right?
Fuck you.
I think I might stay on campus instead of going home for thanksgiving and see how many townies I can hook up with and no one will be around to judge
Our whole friendship has just been time foreshadowing my dick in your mouth.
I want to wear something that says I'm a lady (but I have condoms!)
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
Is it totally terrible that I just signed up for classes and already found the guy I'm going to bang??
Doing blow in the bathroom isnt the same without you
Do a rail off the baby station in my honor
He showed up soaking wet with a flashlight and a ping pong ball. I couldn't say no
Well we've always known you have a weakness for guys with balls in their hands
I feel like you should store your weed in something that suits your personality. For example mines in a hollowed out disney princess book.
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
Randomize
