Your dad touched me again.
is it weird that i feel like i won the break up because my status change got two comments and his got zero?
his genitalia just looks like a thumbs up. a really really small thumbs up.
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
Just saw all the pictures from the party. I'm wearing a different shirt in every single one.
This honesty session brought to you by jagermeister inc.
Is it cheating if its a threesome? This is more like a party game than infidelity.
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
Thank god he came over. I had to have some good sex to makeup for all the bad sex I've been having.
Being in nursing school really pays off when your dealer tries to pass off naproxen as Percocet. Like I may have made a C in pharm but I aced the pain drug test
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
I broke another vibrator the other day. Abstinence is not for me.
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
Randomize
