Omg I def was not. I wasn't that drunk. I showed that I stuff my bra but I didn't whip my tit out.
She rolled a blunt with one hand...and instantly I had a boner, I'm going to marry this girl.
Making and watching you take a mixed shot with vodka, chocolate syrup, tobasco sauce, cranberry juice, and sundried tomato juice wasnt the highlite of my night. Hearing you puking from downstairs was.
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
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The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
You're making her cookies in enchange for knitting lessons. You will die a virgin.
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
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Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
What the hell do you have that is more important than a GIANT WATER SLIDE?
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
its 8 and I'm HUNGOVER!! how is that possible??
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
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