I wish I could teleport
Our relationship is like that beach boys song "help me Rhonda" and I'm fucking Rhonda. And Rhondas's the whore in case you've never heard it.
turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
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After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
I'm not drinking anymore...and by that, I mean until St. Patrick's Day.
I just used FaceTime as a look out while I got a blowjob in the library
I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.
You're lucky you got out when you did, about an hour later the girl in the Franzia box started wrestling everyone.
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There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
I'll say this one last time. You are TWENTY FIVE YEARS OLD. You are not going to die alone and this is not the twilight of your life. Stop taking shrooms on your period!!!!
I just got back like 5 minutes ago, I have two champagne bottles that I carried with me on the train home and a Dunkin donuts coffee cup full of stolen butter, I've been in a windowless room for the last 6 hours, time does not exist
what is your life
Free champagne that's what
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
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