apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
I'm high, and her 2,100 tagged pictures annoy me even MORE. I wish it had a google searchbar so I could type in "cleavage pics" to get to the point.
i got really high and listened to the spongebob squarepants theme song and, i swear to god, it was in german.
He's paying me $45 to clean his room and $55 if i find the oxy that he lost.
I wish I had a "puke in your car" emoticon
Call me when you get off. I have stories about black lesbians in jail begging to braid my hair...
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
I know how to say Yes, No, and Your Mother's Vagina. So almost fluent.
Two dicks, one me.
Yoga's definitely paying off.
I never thought I would be saying these words but...when did David Spade get hot?
i need some fresh meat. meat that has a license and a job and isn’t a FULL-blown alcoholic. partial i could tolerate, bc, haha, let’s be honest, me likey my drinkies.
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
Me-World Problems: do I have my boyfriend come to my birthday party in drag, or is that too weird for the first time meeting literally any of my friends
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
Randomize
