Riddle me this. What had unbelievable sex, and finally understands the meaning that things come better in pairs?
I hate you
Henry's handball, Tiger Wood's Car Crash, Roger Federer losing ... That's it....I'm throwing my Gillete away
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
I don't know where I am and I feel like a hippo shat in my mouth. This sofa is comfy though.
Ps I got my nipple pierced. You're just gonna have to accept me for the tool I am and I don't wanna hear any shenanigans.
No talking tonight. Just drinking and puking up memories
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
She said she wouldn't get out of hand. When the cops showed up she jumped off the 4ft high porch and fell into a ditch. She then buried herself because she was wearing light pants and though the light from the cops flashlights would reflect off her pants. We couldn't find her for 40 minutes.
Bro. I traded my coat. I have a Raiders coat now.
We power houred with shots of red wine. Somehow we ended up with 7 bottles and lost Chris. Trying to find him this hungover is proving very unsuccessful.
I will literally have glitter in my crotch for weeks.
well that was a fail
maybe for you, but i got a free ice cube in my bra
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