My right nipple has been called many things but never a ghost pig
He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
A gay black guy with blonde hair and a gold tooth just told me he would shit on my face.
Now it's a party.
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
She had like a side ponytail and hoop earrings though. And legwarmers. Like a horrible 80s nightmare. Don't drink and dream, dude.
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
well you're talking to a woman who had glorious sex less than 24 hrs ago so my opinion is biased.
i think i just naturally attract stoners
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