Too much gin, very little bucket
You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
should we take a power nap before our cocaine gets here?
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
We made out for three hours. Then she said she didn't sleep with redheads and left the party. So yes, I'm still drinking.
I don't see what kind of idea someone could get from an envelope covered in jesus stickers and a note from a person and their dog. I'd say crazy person alert before flirting.
It got messy; I did a shot of seamonkeys.
My g-ma saw your dick-pic and wants you to know I've got a keeper. She says her big whopper died in Korea. Good thing g-pa is still asleep.
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
Remember that mom/daughter stripper team? Well i just met the ex husband/father in AA. WOW!!!! WOW....
Do you deliver to the black dark pit where I am? I think it's called.... The toilet? Right next to hell...
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
I'm like the big dick whisperer.
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
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