Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
why cant girls ever use the fly? why do they always have to awkwardly try to pull it over your belt?
Erin Andrews shaves. She also likes to check out her ass in the mirror. Of course if I had an ass like that I'd be checking it out in the mirror too.
Found a phone last night. Hope "daddy" gets picture messages
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
Just for future reference: milk is NOT a good mixer no matter how drunk you are.
I'm okay. We got a prayer rug sent to us with the face of jesus on it. From Tulsa Oklahoma. Kinda weird.
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
It's not even 11, i dropped a shot glass, nick is bleeding, and everyone is drunk
This hangover is too legit right now. I just sneezed and almost puked
He's going to be in the air guitar championships in june. Need I say more.
So how do u get your coat out of the coat room when someone is fucking on it?
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
Randomize
