Your tits are I can't wait for
Just woke up naked in my storage cubby and some one rearragned my whole room?
no jk, not my room
I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
nothing says "we're all in this together" like the herpes she passed around to our entire group of friends
its preseason football. its like non alcoholic beer. who gives a fuck
so, what part of "he's slept with a guy" do you not understand?
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
he spent like 10 minutes trying to convince us that he was throwing up in the bushes on purpose in order to cut weight for wrestling
She's like my safety school. At the end of the night, if I haven't found anyone better to hook up with, I can always call her if I need a place to drop a load and don't want to rub one out myself. Perfect next door neighbor.
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
Woke up pants less in the vacant apartment across the hall. It was unlocked because they were showing it to someone. When they walked in I woke up and said "this is a great place to live" and walked out
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
I don't know how I got home but I'm pretty sure the guy in my closet had something to do with it
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
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