why didn't you poke me back
Nope, Im Irish and pissed with some drunk mixed in...therefore punching things is the best solution to every problem.
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
they're scary. like turkeys that ate nuclear fucking steroids.
now there's a facebook group for all the people whose lives i've ruined
This got awkward about two "Oh yeah"s ago.
remember what we learned. dont lure girls w/ food at the bar. u dont want those ones
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
you had me at cake vodka
Guess who was PASSED OUT ON A BMW. I shit you not
Stop it right now
This time face forward
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
short story short, i just screamed anal seepage in the middle of a diner.
Randomize
