I wish I could punch you in the face.
If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
I would like to meet someone who actually lost their virginity in a candle filled room
Does my status still say I suck cocks? I don't know how to change it
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
So I love how we keep introducing our friends to sex toys. It's like pay it forward vibrator edition.
Yeah. You can ask him out. We're just fuck buddies. My vagina will be sad but your heart can be happy.
$200 on plane. $110 on train. $5 per drink on plane. $15 per case on train. Plane 1 hour flight. Train 9 hour excursion. Hmmmmm.
The bad news is tonight is also a blue moon, ergo, latin, I will have to get 'once in a blue moon' drunk which I feel is significantly more dangerous than IPO drunk
he told me it was nice to see me not blacked out mumbling to myself in the front seat, I told him it was nice to see him not in handcuffs.
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
Also, let me tell you how embarrassing it is to match with someone who seemingly has their shit together at 4:45AM on a Thursday.
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
Oh BTW the next time I see you I don't care where we are your dick will be going into some part of my body.
Randomize
