Got a toothbrush?
If you borrow your friends real doll, should you wear a condom?
The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
dude are you gonna smoke tonight? my day was shit and I wanna get high
worker bees can leave....even drones can fly away....the queen is their slave
nevermind....I'm on the way
Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
I'm kind of concerned that there are now two different videos of me with knives
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
I was just hoping for a dick worthy of his established age.
The worst part was when I went to go spit it out and rinse my mouth, his grandpa was in the bathroom, so I had to fucking wait. It was awful. I finally ran to the kitchen and prayed his parents didn't come out of their room.
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
I might need to come puke in your toliet on the way home
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
Randomize
