I'd say this is worse than that time when I realized that my favorite bath toy growing up was my Mom's douche bottle.
I think the guy in front of me just puked in a styrofoam cup.
No matter what I do you still love me. It's like loving a retarded kid. A retarded kid that keeps trying to sleep with you.
So I found "Fat chicks in saran wrap" in my search history.
That's all you talk about when you are wasted.
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I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
I'm spending tomorrow with her. What should my ridiculous personal goal be? I've already got a blowjob while eating a cupcake
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
I don't even remember what he looks like. All I know is he's 6 foot 100. I like that.
Probably won't be invited back there again considering last time his purebred corgi ate my pot brownie and had to be rushed to the hospital.
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There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
He walked around my apt complex completely naked and started peeing in the maintenance because he thought it was the bathroom. So yeah, pretty drunk.
What the fuck happened last night.... I woke up with a bowl half full of ravioli next to my head, reversed on my bed still fully clothed.....
Did I fall last night?
I wouldn't call it falling as much as you tried to lay on the sidewalk and proceeded to hit it face first.
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
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