I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
The kid in front of me is videochatting and typing to his gf. I should make poop/sex faces over his shoulder, right?
finally cleaned my dorm for the first time all year. bleach is awesome.
Turns out getting tied up to two door handles and forced to repeatedly cum is actually a really good ab workout.
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
Yes, that was ME getting carried out of the club singing 'i believe i can fly'
someone who i have in my phone as thundercock just said he was DTF
i'm taking a spore imprint of the mushroom we found growing in our bathroom and sending a picture to ryan. he will then be able to tell if it's trip-worthy
I'm hiding her cosmo magazine. the only sex tip she needs is to not handcuff her boyfriend to her roommates bed and lose the key
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
I was drunk for 3 days straight...well wasted for 3 days with periods of "just drunk" inbetween
I woke up naked with my work shoes on
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
Don't come up here. Strippers r crying.
she compared me favorably to her vibrator
which one?
Randomize
