God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
Bisexual Viking-cowboy hybrid is at the bar again
Dibsssss
don't say the first was when I crawled under into the dressing room
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
I just want every freshman guy to know about Grindr just so I can have more options
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
You have set the bar insurmountably high with apple pie and buttsex.
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
You were in no condition to manage a 3-way.
She woke up with her hand super glued to the fridge....how the hell am I Supposed to get her off??
Ill try not let guys feel my boobs for free drinks next time, no promises tho. I am my boyfriends worst nightmare.
Randomize
