Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
you kept typing in answers.com, why are the state police calling my house, expecting an answer
I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm spooning a three legged dog right now. Started drinking whiskey with Breakfast. Best part about being biracial is Irish cousins. Dog Pic Attahed
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
Oh shit. My drunken car sex is on Google Earth.
By the way anyone who is willing to be in the film while tripping gets free shrooms.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
They just broke the window so they could get in and smoke the taxi driver out...
Just an FYI you do have to wear pants to lunch
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
So many people have told me I have great tits tonight, I'm unstoppable
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
We are bad people. This is why we are friends. <3
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