I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
Shes from jersey what did you expect her to say when you asked her if she did coke? Its like asking some1 from a third world country if they are hungry
there are ass prints on the hood of my car.
Don't talk about his dick. That's mine. There's a copyright on it. Use with permission
Considering how much money I just spent on slutty lingerie, it is totally appropriate for me to be plucking my nipple hair right now. Right?
Is it frowned upon to bring a flask to the er?
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
I know it was a good night because I got a lecture from my roommates mom about stranger danger
Hypothetically speaking how does one remove a lamp that they hypothetically superglued to the ceiling?
Acetone nail polish remover, and you lied about studying last night didn't you?
Oh definitely.
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
I'm done, I have no more memes or ways to ask for nudes, so yeah
Hungover on St. Patrick's Day. I did this backwards.
I can appreciate that you picked up the hot drummer, but don’t have sex in front of my house lmao
I absolutely love waking up to see my phone search history is "xj" "qj" "cj" "uj" and "kj"
Randomize
