everything was goin great until he pulled out his ed hardy lighter and smoked in my face like he was cool.
it's like you attract all the douchebags that nobody wants. people should thank you.
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
I may be in the process of acquiring a second male fuck buddy and dating a girl....FUCKING STOP THE TRAIN I'M ON! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!!
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I just remember her dragging me inside in a panic saying we needed mentos and popcorn I have no fucking clue how we ended up asleep in her closet.
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
And suddenly....Tubas. Tubas everywhere.
You were drink-wine-from-the-bottle drunk trying to take everybody's blood pressures again.
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
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I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
I smell like cowboy sweat. I got two lap dances. This is the best day of my life!
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
He's here walking around DRUNK AS FUCK in a Kobe Bryant number 8 jersey... Tucked in.
How do you confess that you've had phone sex with your fiancé's brother's ex-girlfriend's new guy she's dating who has also slept with your best friend?
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