I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
You cheat on me once, shame on me. You cheat on me with a white girl, it's fucking over
I'm sorry but when I'm riding in the trunk on the way to mcdonalds at 6 am I just don't want to listen to reba macintire
Dude I walked 1.4 miles through the hotel wearing a cowboy hat, pink topped boots, gucci shades, and a scarf and met my parents in the hallway at 7 am how is this not a good start to Vegas?
One day. I will touch his hair. I'm curious if it'll be like a soft cloud.
porn backed up onto portable hard disk, laptop charged, battery backup in place, two cases beer, handle of vodka, poptarts and beef jerky --- bring it sandy.
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
Props to you. You took the bet seriously. Making out with her for an hour right after she spewed
He stumbled out of the bathroom with his pants around his ankles yelling "tie my shooes!"
Allow me to explain. Triple D is a surprise. It's like if you're expecting to fight one person, then you get ambushed by more. Except it's a good ambush, because it's boobs, not death.
Its like the floor is slow but life is fast?
I see you found the nyquil...
Randomize
