You and i never got to the, we dont care what we look like friend-stage. you know? like not brushing your teeth stage.
sorry im really high
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
He called the drink "The Annexation of Puerto Rico". He wouldn't tell us whats in it but said that we should all fear for our lives. Let's do this.
You should know me better than that. I don't whore around. I promise this is a blowjobs only kind of trip.
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I'm on the struggle bus
just ordered a number 1 at a fast food restaurant that doesn't have numbers
Btw: some husbands are not impressed by me trying to snap photos of their wives camel toe.
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
Doesn't matter how many times we tell him the kid's a freshman, he keeps repeating "cupcake boy shall be mine" and honestly you need to intervene
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
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I got really adventurous too. Like. Balls in the mouth adventurous.
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
I AM GETTING LAID TONIGHT YES HAPPY DAY PRAISE JESUS ALMIGHTY IN HEAVEN DEAR GOD CHRIST YES DADDY YAAASSS
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
so i realized that he's only my physical relationship and beer is my emotional relationship...
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