Soap is not a condiment
All I have in my fridge is chocolate cake, pizza, spicy mayo sauce, beer, and weed. I love college
FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
I just had to download an app to edit pictures on my new phone. The things I do for sexting...
I smoked a bowl while he ate me out, you need to change your major to match making asap. You are a guru of love.
Apparently I walked up to him, mumbled something incoherently, then started to make out with him. Why does this always happen.
Also I just learned you, Samantha, and I three-way made out at my Halloween party. News to me.
We fucked on a kid's slide, my vagina is singing praises of being used
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
I woke up in a bathtub full of green and blue Nickelodeon slime! wtf?!
Randomize
