i turned job hunting into a drinking game..
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
We did a shot for each one. Father... son... and holy ghost. That wasn't enough though so we moved on to toasting dead relatives.
I just threw up trying to put pants on. This is obviously a sign to stay naked.
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
We were destined to go to rehab together
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
Wow! It's so great to hear from you! We all thought you perished in Winepocalypse 2012, man.
You let someone poor beer into my mouth off of a balcony. Best friend test failed.
Haahahahahahhaaa
you don't go into accounting for the pussy....
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
I'm a fuck boy trapped in a single mom's body.
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