I gotta feeling the economic climate has killed the housewife market
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
After you took the handle off the bathroom door I had to coach the Scottish guy sitting on the toilet, throwing up in his own lap, how to put his pants back on. Yes, I think he won the drinking game.
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
The weed is temporarily burning the grammar section of my brain library.
I am playing a little game I like to call "How Quickly Can I Infuse This Vodka Into My Bloodstream Without the Use of an IV"
Lost feeling in my face, my shoe and had a nose bleed. That's not wings. Fuck red bull.
Explain why there's a meatball in my bong
Ps he swallowed my earring last night so yeah
We're going to get naked and build a fort instead. HAPPY NEW YEAR!
yo dude not sure how this happened but im drunk at your house eating burritos with your mom and sister. hope you're having fun in new zealand
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
Last night I realized I made a dick appt 2 MONTHS IN ADVANCE!!!!....... WHO THE HELL DOES THAT!?!? LMAO!
Randomize
