it tastes like there's a party in my mouth and everyone is throwing up
Don't use my boy Weezy to support your whoreish tendencies.
Is it too weird if im a sexy tampon for halloween?
Just sold this kid "Magic Furry Apples". He is way to high to figure out they are just peaches.
At least he's a nutritious stoner...
update: last drink of the night and im naked in my porch hammock. life is good.
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
I own a halfway home for drunk girls, this is my life
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
I'm putting my hangover kit in my car for the trip to work tomorrow morning. Dedication
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
the only things my left hand does: catch/hold things and masturbation.
See I just want a dick that I don`t have to deal with or talk to unless it is inside me. Is that so much to ask for?
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
Randomize
