The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
I just realized that this morning is the first morning i've put on underwear in a week.
I love summer.
I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
i'm so desperate for a drink right now i looked up the recipe to make pruno
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
areolas are like halos for boobs.
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
She drove all the way from Austin to have sex with me. I think it's a safe assumption my dick will have an easy life in college.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Haha! I've never met his girlfriend, so my main focus will be not saying,"you're the only person in this room that doesn't know what my vagina feels like."
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
Someone had to wrestle her in the chocolate pool, I'm glad I was man enough to step up and do it
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
Why is there a mildly painful bruise on my back?
You slipped off the sink last night.
Why was I on the sink......?
;)
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