A homeless man in dtwn SF was blasting lil wayne and singing at the top of his lungs. I kinda wanted to give him my life savings
It's 10am. I'm hungover wearing a flyers jersey and a phillies hat and eating a cheesesteak. I'm not the only one. Best city ever.
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
Because once my penis is in motion, it stays in motion unless another force acts upon it.
She's comparing the feel of breasts to shredded cabbage. Weirdest. Grandmother. Ever.
This guy on the bus keeps leaning over and sniffing my hair.
wanna mail me your GoPro for St.Patties and I'll mail it back to you coverend in puke?
I just woke up on the living room floor at my parents house. The last thing I remember was making a scene at Buffalo Wild Wings because our waitress "Sent the game into overtime" with a 0-0 score
please let it be arousing that I used numbers to figure out how well I'd give you head
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
I don't know how much expertise I could offer. My best advice is, "don't drown, for god's sake don't drown"
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
We turned his nipples into a drinking game.
Randomize
