It's like a parade of train wrecks.
Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
my text book just quoted the cookie monster
I cant leave dude. theres a horse with a top hat on
My near death experience also doubled as my coming out story
they all just nodded
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
I flashed a party boat full of Asians yesterday, didn't I?
i’m not very adjusted to having free time. for example, I forgot how much fun it is to masturbate.
He was in the middle of making out with two girls at once, but then the guy next to me said "I feel like I'm watching Animal Planet" he stopped to give him a high five
I just want to sit my fat ass down at McDonald's and never leave
i got to his house for our first date at the same time as his dealer, so what I'm saying is I'm in love
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
I tried to avoid catching feelings but then he took me out to breakfast
Got arrested last night. My cell mate just added me on Facebook.
My parents are now taking hits off a joint. Thank you.
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