Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
sorry i interrupted the heart to heart you were having with your bathrobe last night
RIP Summer 2010. God knows it had to be one of us..
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
no i brought the cat to the bar. I got a weird look when I walked in but now everyone loves her.
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
You know it's been a rough year when your therapist mouth is just wide open. And I didn't even get to the real issue!
I have a vague memory of you tryin to ride a unicycle through jimmy johns
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
I have a bunch of bug bites on my ass... This is why you don't have sex against a tree in the woods
Knew i was going to puke. So i grabed a bowl out of the kitcken in the dark before bed...Ended up puking into a spaghetti strainer...
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
He is completely naked, curled in a ball, and rocking back and forth in the shower humming lullabies to himself. This is your responsibility since I'm going to be fucking someone in 5.7 seconds.
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