I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
so I was thinking like, Rob Pattinson could make so much money whoring himself out dressed as Edward Cullen.
yeah, I mean if he's down to fuck a lot of fat chicks and stare at Tiger Beat posters of himself above the bed...
he took his pants off right in front of me then just stood there so i went for his boxers and he said he was waiting till marriage
i felt horrible..i wanted to somehow give him his vcard back
that's a non refundable transaction sweetheart
I understand that I gave you a nose bleed with a cheeto last night and for that I apologize
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
do you think a sharp knife would stab through a cheese suit?
I was mid hand job and stopped me because he wanted to "connect" which meant putting his thumb in between my eyebrows and a hand over my heart and closing our eyes...
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
Yesterday we were fuck buddies and today I'm meeting his mom. That escalated quickly.
I don't know what you slipped me, but my TV is vomming blood right now. Thanks, jerkoff.
she's throwing knives it scares me
update: broke ceiling. glass everywhere
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
I Never thought my late 30s would end up with me getting eaten out on a desk in the managers office of a lululemon, but I guess being a franchise owner has its perks!
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