I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks
He was singing Justin Beiber while we did it. I love secure Spanish men
You thought last year was bad... a guy dressed as a clown showed up with cocaine
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He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
so, give him that "thank you for fighting for my freedom bj" & he wont even remember what you said in that six min voice mail.
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
What changed your mind?
Being sober
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It doesn't matter how many beers you've had, it's unacceptable to piss in someone's helmet after a playoff win.
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
Just walked by the neighbors and they are definitely butt naked sitting on a bed, watching Netflix, baked out of their minds, with the blinds open.
Welcome to Bellingham.
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
I woke up in a bath tub and my face was sore and it wasn't because of you, I was impressed
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
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