; Think of how many worthless people would b non existant if there was no liquor so their parents never hooked up
She tried to have sex with him but he quote unquote respected her
True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
When I was her age, Pluto was still a planet... but i said what the hell
I'm covered in salsa and facewash. I think I'm doing something wrong over here.
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
Did you shave a certain someone in his sleep last night?
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
I'd probably lick every tooth in Carly Rae Jepson's fucking mouth.
Teen Choice Awards are on if your wondering.
My walk of shame turned into having to get his dad to tow my best friends car out of the snowbank in his driveway
He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
We ran out of toilet paper so Ive been using coffee filters
So I fucked a guy with his mouth wired shut last night never thought id cross that off my imaginary bucket list
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
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