I just want to know how you cleaned her puke off the twister mat with no gloves. And didn't throw up
don't look now, but that cross eyed girl is staring at you... and me.
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
Remember the thing I sent you? "Often complex problems are best solved by thinking like an animal." Hump away!
I woke up in my tom cruise outfit with my house key tied to my thong....
I've finally done it, I've downloaded some messenger lesbians like to use because some girl wanted to flirt.
Congrats, you're all grown up now.
I FEEL LIKE A GAY BUTTERFLY
just chugging fertility tea and vodka, no big deal.
it's pizza time hurry your sexcapades
You stumbled in the door as high as a kite, & ran into the table. I asked you if you were all right. You replied with "I don't have any soup."
I accidentally made jungle juice last night.
if I was a good friend this would be the time that i would remind you that you have a boyfriend
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