So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
You should probably just propose to him the old fashioned way: sleep with him and get pregnant.
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
Okay do all 29 year olds have erectile dysfunction or just the two I've slept with?
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He told me that if I were a guy he'd go gay for me. Honestly don't know how to take that.
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
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Trying to roll joints on a seadoo in the middle of a lake on a windy night. -Juststonerthings
He ended up buying the equivalent of dinner at a Mexican place, in weed
he sent me the greatest dick pic I've ever received.
he actually took the time to cut a fingertip off of a glove then put it on his dick like a beanie. he called it hipster dick.
That was a beautiful concert to sleep through ...
I know - Don't let me take drugs from strangers anymore
He tried to do a JoJo pose and wound up breaking his wrist in the process. Truly a story for the ages.
Just stopped at a cross walk because the light turned red 3 streets down. I'm way too high.
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