meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
I just jerked it to the same porn two nights in a row... and she says I have problems with commitment...
i'm so desperate for a drink right now i looked up the recipe to make pruno
this is ridiculous... i look like a white version of MC Hammer...
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
The waitress just told me I'm asking alot. So far I've asked for a soul, an angel and carbombs
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
she visited to give me a bj between clients. Social work at its finest.
If I have to go to the hospital, at least put my pants back on. It's been a fantastic night.
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
Can't you just imagine you've grudge fucked me so we can get past this?
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
Randomize
