so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
She started crying. I don't think she's gotten head from a sax player before.
I wish I still had pics from the prostitute I paid/dated
Who would we be if we didn't go out to drink during finals week? NOBODY
Rode my bike to work still drunk. Almost threw up on a camper while getting him out of his parents car.
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
You have a roommate and cry when you see my dick
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
I ran into his family and they made me a ham sandwich and I asked if they wanted to come streaking. I felt they deserved the invite.
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
My last memory of last night was being in a laundry room doing blow and admiring a washer and dryer... I think that's the earmark of old age
I'd send you a picture as proof but I want to marry him some day and that would be a deal breaker.
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